Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few