CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Sorry. Not sorry
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.