♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Time for evil
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Velcrow
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.