Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I am yelling
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.