whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
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I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
i meant to share this earlier
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁