Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
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*pokes sex life with a stick
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me