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Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo