My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Yep.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools