Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
You Might Also Like
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?