technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
my mind
You just read my mind
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency