[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
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JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
birds and squirrels envy us
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.