I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Guys, I found it.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,