[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
You Might Also Like
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool