Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
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My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Just grow your own
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14