Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to