I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Doug is just Canadian for dog
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.