Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
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Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
#FunnyLife Insects
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school