I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
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A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today