I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
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Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.