I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
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wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
<—- homeless romantic
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.