[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’