A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for