Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
You Might Also Like
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Something Saturday.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*has no idea what a book even is*
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!