I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.