The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
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God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.