OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again