[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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This meeting could have been a cake
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
The Assassin.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.