Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
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ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk