Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I unironically love this joke.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.