Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
You Might Also Like
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.