*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
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In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun