I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
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Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Always.
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I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
thanks auntie mary
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.