Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.