Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse