I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
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Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying