Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too