New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
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Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??