I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
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[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
what’s really going on
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers