[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
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I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
(2022)
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.