Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
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Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
yes, those are my real potatoes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute