My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?