According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”