If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good