How to find Kentucky on a map
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??