im all 3
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Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
synchronized noseblowing
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”