“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
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Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Meanwhile in Portland…