I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Name this drama.
My flabber has been gasted.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”