Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…