[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive