Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Thursday Thought.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.